I really, really want another baby. I just feel like I'm supposed to have another baby. I'm at that stage where everywhere I look there are pregnant women and I'm jealous. So jealous. I love being pregnant. I love breast-feeding (in a totally non-weird way, clearly). I can't bear the idea that I'll never do/be either again. I think, although we were never definite on it, that if A&S hadn't come along at the same time, we'd probably have tried for a third, and I feel cheated of that hypothetical third pregnancy.
But it's a ludicrous idea. It's totally insane. It makes no logical sense at all.
I have three beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, incredibly hard work children already. Why on earth would I want another one? Another baby is just going back to all the bits I don't like: the sleepless nights, the poo everywhere, the endless screaming that you just can't stop, the baby that you know you should love but that just lies there and doesn't do anything for six months. I hate all those bits, and at times I don't cope very well with them. Why am I even contemplating doing them again?
And anyway why push my luck? My girls are amazing. They are intelligent, beautiful, sparky, funny, creative individuals. We are so lucky, and so grateful for that luck. I intend no disrespect to anyone who has a child with special needs, and I know that they are often just as loving and rewarding as any other child, but were we to have one, that child's needs would demand more of our time than the other three, and if those needs were severe, or severely demanding, that just isn't fair on the children I have already. I'm not an old mother by today's standards: I was 30 when I had L and I've just turned 33, but still every year adds to the risks. Why run them?
And what about the other risk...? I want four children. But do I want four children more than I don't want five?! There are three risk factors for twins: i) getting older; ii) having twins already; iii) having twins in the family, and I tick all the boxes. Twins again would not be funny, however much I love the incredible pair I have already, and triplets would be worse.
And then there's the environment. Four children? Four more consumers of the planet's already limited resources? Another however many hundreds of disposable nappies sent to landfill? That's just wrong. And what about the practicalities? What sort of car do you get for four children (probably all under four)? What pushchair? How do you ever leave the house? How do you get a house big enough in the first place?
But I want one. I know that logically I shouldn't but I do. And I don't know how to square those two things. B is happy as we are, but will go along with what I want (although when we've had a really bad day with the girls, he's more adamantly anti). I'm just frightened of accidentally doing nothing until it's too late and then spending the rest of my life mourning, deep in my subconscious, for the baby I never had. Or of being "punished" for my greed in wanting something I don't need by having two babies, or a baby with disabilities, or a baby who becomes ill, or crashes his or her car at the age of 25 or, or, or...
I realise I have to make a decision and stick with it. But how?
Picture from memerryl.tumbler.com, but presumably copyright whoever made the film.