You climb a tree and scrape your knee, your dress has got a tear. And what do you need (other than Julie Andrews)? A kiss. Obviously.
Only not for the modern child, apparently. Oh no, the panacea for all ills is not Mummy, or Daddy; not a cuddle, or a kiss.
It is, as any parent knows, a plaster.
Blood not required. No break in the continuity of the skin (technical legal term - don't say you never learn anything here) necessary. Bumps, bruises, mild indignation, there's nothing that can't be cured with the application of a small piece of thin porous polymer-coated adhesive bandage (thanks wikipedia). Ideally garishly coloured.
Or, even better, as I now know, a cool gel pack. Preferably Mr Bump branded, but failing that the generic variety will do.
It all started with Boots, who emailed me over the summer asking if I would give them my health tips for going back to school. There wasn't anything in it for me other than fame and glory if they used them but I wasn't busy that day (another tough day fishing the children out of the paddling pool probably) so I sent them something inspiring like:
Use a plaster for everything or
If no-one's looking and you haven't got a cold it's fine to lick your finger and then wash their faces or
Make sure they go to bed early (
Catching vomit in your hands is better than have it go on someone else's carpet
Unaccountably, none of those made it onto the wallchart of tips and handy ideas they've produced (and of which you can see a small part below), but I do get a credit, and, even better and completely out of the blue, they sent me a goody bag (well, more of a goody massive parcel actually - does that make this a sponsored post?).
So I've got the wallchart, featuring my credit (though not, as I say, any of my tips - it's got lots of useful ones instead), some of those vitamins the children will actually eat, antiseptic wipes to save my sleeves, blister plasters (because one of us doesn't wear sensible black shoes with velcro), an enormous first aid kit (actually a bit scared to open that), and the blessed hot/cold compress, which, if I'd let her, A would be taking to bed with her. As it is, she's inventing an ever more unlikely series of injuries all requiring it. Munchausen's syndrome for the under fives...
So for that and for everything else (including all the bottles of own brand "calpol" and Peppa Pig sticky bandages I've bought over the years), Boots, I thank you.