Dear Diary. Or what I haven't been saying.

7th June

After all the dithering and indecision, B told me last night that we can go for it.  I'm seeing the nurse tomorrow for a new patient check up, so I might see about having the coil taken out.

The weird thing is that now this might actually happen all I can think about is how difficult having a fourth child might be.

What if I'm wrong and this isn't what I want?

8th June

Coil still in.  Have to have a week of no sex before they will take it out. B has toothache and is miserable so that shouldn't be too tricky.

Haven't made an appointment yet though.

15th June

It's out.  In fact according to the nurse it was on the point of falling out anyway. That would have been a shock...

I talked to B about it again last night, in an "it's not too late to cancel the appointment" sort of way.  I wondered what he'd think if I changed my mind.  He rolled his eyes, understandably, and said we could wait.  I decided I didn't want to wait.  So I guess I must want this baby (ies!).

The lovely thing though is that B says he'll be disappointed if we don't get pregnant.  We've set a (probably rather flexible) deadline of mid-September, and if I'm not pregnant then, it wasn't meant to be.

In the waiting room I was really nervous. Uncertain about whether this was the right thing to be doing.  In the car afterwards I was sure.

I still am.

I'm still nervous though.

21st  June

The problem is, to have a baby, you've got to have sex.  And what with extracted teeth, temperatures, relations (my family are all here and there's nothing like having family tramping around the corridors to put you off) and periods (periods??? Forgot all about them. Not much fun are they?) we've not exactly been at it like rabbits.

The other problem? It's quite hard to get in the mood when you're thinking "I could get pregnant! Do I want to get pregnant? Is this the right choice?".

I need to get over myself. I want another baby. This is why we're doing this.  I just need to shut up and put out.  And not be too gutted if it doesn't work.

23rd June

Last night I was up four times.  Twice to L and once to each of S and A. They weren't even ill. I don't know what the matter was.  They just woke up and whinged.  A lot.  I haven't had to do that for over a year now. What on earth am I thinking signing up for it all again?

In the morning, B asked me (he'd slept through it all, of course) if I wanted to go back to the nurse. Not helpful. Perhaps the girls are conspiring against us.

25th June 

Just seen some pictures of my friend J's new baby.  This is what I want. But I have realised that it is going to be hard. And if it doesn't happen I think I will accept that.

26th June

I'd forgotten the obsessive over-analyzing that comes with wanting to be pregnant. Everything smells a bit odd this morning and I'm wondering if this is it.  It's not.  If I am pregnant, I'm so early pregnant that there really wouldn't be any symptoms, yet I'm googling "early pregnancy signs" to see if I might be.

What an idiot. This is the third time. You'd have thought I'd know my body better by now.

26th July

A month later and we've stopped (I decided I was too scared of the consequences of a baby) and started (I got my period and was terribly, terribly, bitterly disappointed) again.  I'm still terrified of the consequences of having four children, but I also now know that I can't not try.

30th July

Intense lower abdominal pain. Is this implantation?

31st July

No. Cystitis.  

18 August


My period is five days late.  In anyone else I realise this would be a major sign of pregnancy. It's not for me.  I don't get regular periods. I never have.  If I'm not on the pill I get maybe one period every six or eight months.  Pregnancy signs for me are randomly losing a lot of weight for no reason, being utterly knackered, and just knowing that I'm pregnant.

I'm not losing weight (quite the contrary), I'm totally knackered, but then I've got three children and a million other things to do, and I don't feel pregnant.  On the contrary, I feel like I'm about to get my period.  But...

...But, when I said I don't get regular periods, I'm not sure that was true any more. I've had two periods since the coil came out, bang on 28 days apart.  Maybe the having children has given me a normal body (in one way, not the stretch marks and sag, clearly).

So am I late? Am I pregnant?

I did a test.  I sent B to buy it as I couldn't face asking for a pregnancy test (why do they never put them where you can find them?) with three children in tow.  The woman in Superdrug offered him the digital one (£3 more expensive):

"No thanks, I think I can recognise a blue line"

Turns out he, or rather we, can't.  It's one of those ones where you need a cross if you're pregnant.  I had a very clear downward line and a crosswards line so, so, so faint it was barely there. Except it was.

B thinks it was just showing where it would have been had I been pregnant and that I'm not.  I'm.....well, I'm sort of hoping that if I test again in three days time it might really be there.

Either way, my breasts are now tingling and I'm feeling sick.

19th August

It wasn't a cross.  I've got my period.  What is it about spending £7 on a pregnancy test that makes that happen?

Both sad (although I didn't really think I was, I had allowed myself a little glimmer of hope) and hopeful, because at least getting a period means my body is working and that there is, therefore, the possibility that next month might be it.

I've never had this before - this month to month waiting and hoping (and I realise that makes me incredibly lucky, but there it is).  With L I came off the pill. Then nothing for three months. Then a period. Then a pregnancy.  With the babies I came off the pill, glanced slightly suggestively in B's direction and got pregnant.   Seriously.

Which is why it never really occurred to me that we'd need to get this close to my deadline. I really thought I'd be pregnant by now.

And if I don't get pregnant this month, that's it. Game over.... unless I change the rules.

But there's a point to the rules - I want this baby to be a friend for L, another singleton when A and S have their special club.  And if I get pregnant now, L will be just four when it's born, and eight when it's four, and eighteen when it's fourteen, and I'm wondering whether they'll actually get to be friends until they're in their twenties.... and then there comes a point when it seems silly to keep trying.  And I want this baby while I'm still into the whole nappies thing, and before life takes over, and there is no natural space for a baby, because we're into toddler things, and then little girl things, and then teenage things...

Which makes me very sad for the baby I suspect I might never have.

18 September


Back from holiday and we are agreed.  When my period comes we stop trying.  We don't want to lurch from month to month, and we don't want to make our relationship all about trying to get pregnant.   We need to concentrate on the beautiful girls we already have, and we have so many wonderful things planned to do with them.

So if I am pregnant, we are (all being well) having another baby.  If I am not, we are not.

It is over four weeks since my last period.

23 September

It is five weeks since my last period.  I don't feel like it's about to come on. But then I don't feel pregnant either.

26 September

I'm not losing weight.  I'm not feeling pregnant.  But nonetheless, it turns out I'm definitely not getting my period.

Or not for the next eight and a bit months anyway.

B in shock.  I'm delighted.  Terrified, but delighted.

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Five days later and I'm still not sure about publishing this post.  I'm not sure it's the right time, and I'm really not sure about putting this out there when people I know in real life might read it.  


But I find I can't write anything else while this remains unpublished.  So I'm casting my reservations to the ether. 

And if you know me, and reading it makes you cross because I haven't spoken to you directly I apologise.  I think I've told most people, but if I missed you, it wasn't deliberate, honest.   Unless I work with you, in which case it was deliberate.  Because you might tell my boss.  And I need to do that. Just not yet.


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