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Because however much I wanted (and still want this baby), since the moment I discovered I was pregnant there's been a little niggly voice inside me saying
"You're not going to sleep. You're not going to be able to play with the others. You're not going to fit them all in the car. The builders won't have finished. You have no idea what to do with a boy. Four children is greedy/ecologically criminal/insane. You won't be able to leave the house for the next five years. YOU AREN'T GOING TO COPE"The odd thing is that B is the opposite. He was very cautious about going in to this; kept coming up with all sorts of reasons why we really should stick at three, but the minute that line went blue, he's been over-joyed. He's not worried. We'll cope. And how wonderfully exciting is it going to be to have a baby?!
And I say the right things and I smile and I nod, and inside I keep thinking "What on earth are we doing? I'm not going to cope". And where with the others I loved being pregnant and talking about being pregnant and being excited about being pregnant, this time I'm playing the very British jaded-mother-of-three-already card, and saying things like "Well, clearly we're insane, but..." and changing the subject.
Until yesterday. When I took L to a birthday party and seized the opportunity to nip into mothercare while we were going past and came out with this lot:
And it's tiny, and it's new, and it's blue....*
And the odd thing is, the minute I walked in there, and saw the tiny baby clothes, and the new baby nappies (yes even those), I started smiling. And that pile of stuff, which is sitting on the landing until we have somewhere better to put it (note to self, must remember to sort that out before going into labour) is still making me smile.
Because more than all the worry and the practicalities and the uncertainty, there's a baby. And it took shopping for him to make me realise how wonderfully excited too I am about that.
*I did also buy an armful of waterproof sheets and a new potty, but oddly they're not doing it for me in quite the same way...
I am so happy that you are now excited because I am insanely jealous and would be ticked off if I thought you were anything but happy about the thought of sitting and cuddling a little new born whilst gently stroking those tiny tiny little feet. The rest (lack of sleep, inability to ever be organised ever again etc) is just semantics !!!
ReplyDeleteI did think of you when I posted it, and thought was it a horribly tactless thing to say. I think the thing is that the lovely lovely reality of having a new baby just didn't in until I was actually faced with all those tiny things (even if, in typical mothercare fashion, all the ones I actually really liked they didn't have in the right size...)
ReplyDeleteWhoops. Sink in. Clearly.
ReplyDeleteBlimey! Fancy writing a post and thinking about me!! That's very sweet. The whole "how the ecky thump am I going to cope" is not tactless because someone else would like to have the same dilemma..I guarantee, the odd time I have thought I might have been pg I had the immediate same thoughts. I doesn't matter how much you want a child, it is still incredibly daunting and 4!! Well Mrs, you'll have your hands full for sure but you will never not have anywhere to go on Christmas day in your old age :)
ReplyDeleteI should probably stop reading posts like these because it makes those hormones of mine do somersaults... (But no. No more babies in the Potty household. Of that I'm certain. Wouldn't mind the chance to cuddle some-one else's though!)
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ReplyDeletePM - well, if we (that's the three of us, you, me and baby T (to go with L, A and S) make it to CyberMummy you can have as many cuddles as you like....
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I've read this. After agonising for 18 months or so, I am now pregnant with my 3rd, and I'm terrified! I feel overwhelmed and keep wondering what on earth we've done. I've also been so, so sick which hasn't helped. I can't wait to start feeling excited. Maybe I need to go shopping!!
ReplyDeleteThere is something about those little clothes that makes my hormones race!
ReplyDeleteSolveig - congratulations!!! And do feel free to rant over here. I know absolutely exactly how you feel, even down to the being sick which I wasn't either time before. To be fair, it's taken me until 33 weeks to feel like this, but hopefully it'll get me through the next 7 or so!
ReplyDeleteHelen - they're fab aren't they?! I can't tell you how excited and happy I was when I came out of there, and the lovely thing is it's stayed...