Because however much I wanted (and still want this baby), since the moment I discovered I was pregnant there's been a little niggly voice inside me saying
"You're not going to sleep. You're not going to be able to play with the others. You're not going to fit them all in the car. The builders won't have finished. You have no idea what to do with a boy. Four children is greedy/ecologically criminal/insane. You won't be able to leave the house for the next five years. YOU AREN'T GOING TO COPE"The odd thing is that B is the opposite. He was very cautious about going in to this; kept coming up with all sorts of reasons why we really should stick at three, but the minute that line went blue, he's been over-joyed. He's not worried. We'll cope. And how wonderfully exciting is it going to be to have a baby?!
And I say the right things and I smile and I nod, and inside I keep thinking "What on earth are we doing? I'm not going to cope". And where with the others I loved being pregnant and talking about being pregnant and being excited about being pregnant, this time I'm playing the very British jaded-mother-of-three-already card, and saying things like "Well, clearly we're insane, but..." and changing the subject.
Until yesterday. When I took L to a birthday party and seized the opportunity to nip into mothercare while we were going past and came out with this lot:
And it's tiny, and it's new, and it's blue....*
And the odd thing is, the minute I walked in there, and saw the tiny baby clothes, and the new baby nappies (yes even those), I started smiling. And that pile of stuff, which is sitting on the landing until we have somewhere better to put it (note to self, must remember to sort that out before going into labour) is still making me smile.
Because more than all the worry and the practicalities and the uncertainty, there's a baby. And it took shopping for him to make me realise how wonderfully excited too I am about that.
*I did also buy an armful of waterproof sheets and a new potty, but oddly they're not doing it for me in quite the same way...