Here's an astonishing thing.
It's over four years since I started this blog. Four years and seventeen days, to be precise.
I realised that last week, about the time I was wondering whether to stop it altogether.
Because it doesn't seem really to be working for me at the moment - I'm not even reading blogs, much less writing them (as an aside, since the demise of google reader how am I supposed to read blogs? I'm leaping from one blog roll recommendation to another at the moment, like some sort of demented frog (reddit, reddit), which isn't very efficient and means I can never remember the goodies....). Suggestions on a postcard.
So I'm not reading, and hardly anyone's reading me. Which may be because I'm not writing. Or tweeting, or pinteresting or facebooking or pinning up posters on to motorway bridges, or whatever the zeitgeisty thing to do is at the moment.
But I was feeling demoralised, and bored, and a bit meh, really. So I went back to the beginning. And remembered that in October 2009 I was blogging so that:
I can work out how I feel and get myself on the track to that elusive
Plan B; a nirvana in which I am happy and fulfilled, still manage to
bring some income into the house and have time to give my husband and
children the attention and love they deserve
Now, clearly I'm not there. Anyone who's ever seen me stressed and bedraggled, surrounded by wet, hungry children and with only two pairs of socks and five shoes in the swimming pool changing rooms on a Wednesday evening could tell you that "happy and fulfilled" isn't always an accurate description. But I sort of am there, too.
When I started this blog my life was in flux - I didn't know what I wanted and I didn't know how I was going to get there when I worked out where it was I wanted to go. And now I do. Maybe. At the very least I am, for the moment, sort of where I want to be, even if there is a constant niggle in my head about what happens when M goes to school?. I am, mostly (touch wood) happy, and I do (mostly) have time for myself and my family, and I am (astonishingly) bringing in an income.
So maybe I've done it. Maybe I'm not blogging much because I don't need to.
But then I don't really want to stop. I don't really want to write much at the moment either, but somehow stopping would seem like an admission of failure, even though I'm not sure I have failed.
Apparently November is NaBoPloMo. National Blog Posting Month. Which is, obviously, nearly as silly as Pizza month (October) or Camping month (June) or Talk like a pirate day (September - personally I happen to love that one), but which, silly or no, I'm going to try and get into.
So for November, every day I'm going to read at least one new blog, and twice a week (because I'm not going to get over-ambitious) I'm going to post (so this is the first one). And if at the end of it, I want to stop, I will.
And I won't have failed, I'll have just made a choice.
Beatitudes For Guiding Leaders
1 day ago