Sunday 19 February 2012

Why do the bad bits feel worse than the good bits feel good?


Today started with the mother of a child in L's class, someone I have known for maybe four weeks but who I had been surprised and delighted to find was treating me as a friend, undermining all the fragile confidence I had in that friendship by asking to borrow money.

Ten hours later and three of my children are upstairs wailing, where they have been banished for fighting, while I sit on the floor, nursing the sore elbow I thumped into the worktop, rather than any one of the girls, and waiting angrily to see what half an hour in the microwave does to a really beautiful and expensive bit of beef that is unaccountably still frozen solid despite eight hours in the warmth of the kitchen.

B is out rehearsing. I am home alone wishing I was anywhere else.

And in between we have been for a bike ride, watched a film, played pirates on the ship in the park, and generally muddled through with a minimum of shouting and a decent number of smiles, giggles and, at the risk of sounding cringy, love.

So not a bad day, really. None of the bad bits were that bad, and some of the good bits - S has really mastered balancing on her bike - were truly special.

So why, sitting on the floor, with A, now, cuddled up next to me, does it feel like such a bad day? Why do the bad bits linger and the good bits get forgotten?

And how do I turn that around?


24 comments:

  1. Because the bad bits come as a surprise in a life where the vast majority is good bits and you are by nature someone who looks for (and expects to find) the good in everyone and it disappoints you horribly when they let you down...

    Wise words done. I can't believe she asked to borrow money after four weeks! I've known you 17 years, can I borrow a fiver?

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    Replies
    1. Also because I forgot to have any lunch...

      And yes. Will you secure it on your house?

      Delete
    2. No chance. I'll be borrowing it in my dodgy maiden name too. And then moving house.

      PS. Mr T wants to know how much she wanted and how long for and what your APR is, ever the pragmatist.

      Delete
    3. When he confirms how much you want and provides evidence of salary and assets, then I'll let you have terms.... (aka I've never worked out how to calculate an APR so don't expect me to start now, after the almost complete erosion of my brain cells).

      Delete
  2. Hm...

    Blog. Blogging is always good for raising the spirits. Cheaper than therapy.

    Keep a diary and use it to write down the three best things that happened every day. A small discipline, but maybe it will help change an underlying attitude. Cheaper than therapy.

    An early night or two. Cheaper than therapy.

    A day away on your own. Cheaper than therapy.

    Do an MA in Theology, which will give you ample opportunity to reflect on life's joys and woes. Possibly more expensive than therapy.

    Therapy.

    Just a few suggestions...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well...

      1. Done, obviously.

      3. Give me five minutes to finish this.

      4. Booked in for April (my bday present from B - I'm going to spend my MADs winnings!) and before then a day with v old girlfriends (inc Mrs T) which would lift anyone's spirits

      5. Hmmm. Probably ought to do the studying my boss wants me to do first. Although there may be something in the theology bit. I have a other friend who finds that gets her through too.

      6. Not that bad yet. And the local therapist is a friend.... Small towns eh?

      As for 2. Feels a bit Pollyanna. But then my m-I-l did give me a lovely leather bound notebook for Christmas (I'd asked for mixing bowls....)

      And you forgot 7. Eat something. Cheaper than therapy.

      Delete
    2. Funnily enough, after I'd clicked away, I thought "I should have added a final option:

      Eat flapjack. Cheaper but more fattening than therapy.

      Delete
    3. Just had the last one... Feeling fat, but cheery.

      Delete
  3. Oh poor you. Mrs T is everso right, though...what a wise friend. And waiting 17years until she asked to borrow a fiver?A keeper, I'd say.

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    Replies
    1. She's a goody. I just need to convince her to move a bit nearer...

      Delete
  4. Mrs T sounds like a wise woman. I find RL friendships hard. I think the bad stuff invades the good and try and always focus on the nice things

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    1. Indeed. This one was odd too - on paper this woman and I have nothing in common and I expected her to write me off as too old, too casual, too English, too posh... And then she was really friendly and I thought I had under-estimated both her and myself (clearly, I thought, I must be better than all those things) and then today.

      I think I'm being unfair now though, as I think it was a real desperate need, but I was just left feeling v uncomfortable.

      Money's the root of all sorts of messy stuff isn't it?

      Delete
  5. I'm also with Mrs. T. If you expect everything to work out right then it usually does, but when it doesn't it really is a huge disappointment. We should count ourselves as some of the lucky ones though.

    I've always wondered why I move so much faster from being happy to being cross than the other way around. Wish it was different...

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    1. It takes me so long to shake off a grumpy mood. My children are like dogs: you tick them off, they hang their heads for ten seconds, then dash off, metaphorical tails wagging, to find something else to destroy. While I seethe, still furious about whatever it is they've so blithely forgotten...

      So yes, me too.

      Delete
  6. I expect at least 3 f*ck ups a day, if I hit target or 'under achieve' I'm generally satisfied. Any more than 3 and life feels stinky. Amazing though how often I over achieve. I think f*ck up definition needs redefining. Perhaps the tick box should simply be 'did anyone or thing important die' the rest is just weather :) you appear to have a veil of mum guilt...give it me back it's mine...oh hang on it appears to be big enough for all mums to share!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh! The guilt. Lady Macbeth had nothing on us did she? (although she was a mother, do perhaps that's where it started...).

      I like the idea of lowering my expectations though. Starts here.

      Delete
  7. I have whole days when everything seems to come all at once, at least its all contained in the one day! I try to forget these days asap!
    So..did you & if you didn't, how are things between you now?? I'm not looking forward to the school gates again, haven't decided yet how to handle them, I have 2+ years to think about it!

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    Replies
    1. I did. It wasn't very much, and I do (and did) think the need was genuine.

      But I was also uncharacteristically forthright and, as I handed it over, said:

      This has made me feel really uncomfortable and used. Please don't ask again.

      Those words exactly. I'm still quite pleased with them.

      And today we both did that brilliant British thing of pretending it never happened...

      Delete
  8. I think it's so easy to focus on the not so good stuff, quite often I think we find ourselves somehow responsible for it happening and beat ourselves up about it. I think it's a woman thing. And it's definitely a mum thing. I also think it's a February thing and we need a good long relaxing holiday by a hot sunny beach. Hope you're feeling better soon x

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    Replies
    1. Actually I am now, thanks. But I think you're right about the responsibility thing. I need sometimes just to let things go..., Any tips on that?!

      Delete
  9. I gather you're going to BritMums? So am I now - my first blogging conference. So you'll have a great girly time, we can meet up, put the world to rights and all the bad bits will disappear!

    By the way - did you lend her the money?

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    Replies
    1. I am indeed! Just need to work out where to stay now... And pluck up the courage actually to walk in the door...

      And yes, I did. But I also told her I wouldn't do it again. Veer between now feeling that I was v harsh and unreasonable and that I did the right thing.... Time will tell.

      Delete
  10. Where's Rastamouse when you need him? Always there to make a bad ting good. (come in, come in, are you reading me?)

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    1. I am. But I'd rather be talking to you.

      Come in. Come in...,

      Delete

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