Monday 30 January 2012

Wanted: friends

I have been incredibly lucky in moving here.  I have, in the last nearly two years, met lots (and lots) of intelligent, friendly, warm-hearted, generous and, most importantly, welcoming women (and men).

I have made friends. Plenty of them.

Yet I found myself at a toddler group last Wednesday, drinking my cup of tea and ignoring the biscuits,  and thinking:

"I could ask any of these women for help in a crisis and they would all drop everything for me.  But somehow I'm not sure if any of them is a friend."

Because what I'm missing, I realise, is old friends.  Not people who are there in an emergency, because, actually, most people are human (not all, I accept, but most) and most, in a real moment of need, would help.  But people who you can be honest with. To whom you can say "I'm bored" or "I'm lonely" or "I'm fed up with my children", or, even more difficult with acquaintances, "My children are absolutely the best ones in the world and I'm so lucky".  The sort of people to whom you can confess that you sort of fancy Kevin McCloud, or who might once have seen you squeeze a spot.  And who have forgiven you (but not forgotten, so that they can repeat the story after a bottle glass of wine or two).

And by "old", I realise that I don't necessarily mean "old".  Because you can find and make that sort of friend in minutes.  But to maintain them, what you need is time.  Time to natter and gossip and share good and bad stories.

Any one of the women at that toddler group could be that person.  But none of us have time.  We are all too wrapped up in the minutiae of our lives with work and children and partners and parents and school and, and, and, to have time for the stuff that doesn't matter. Except that it does.

I did something controversial the next day.  I went out for a drink.  Three lovely ladies and me, for just an hour, blethering.  And I mentioned how I was feeling and what I had thought, and they all said "Oh! Oh!  Oh! Me too".

I'm not alone; but I was, and they were, lonely. 

Before children I used to schedule nights in with B, because if I didn't, I wouldn't see him.  I was out every night with one friend or another, catching up on nothing and everything.  But gradually, with children, and now distance, that has gone, and I realise how much I miss it.

I'm not lonely in a miserable sense. I'm not unhappy or disappointed with my life. I just need to get out there. To see adults that I am not married to on a regular basis.  To be challenged by opinions that are not my own. To groan and whisper and laugh.  

I read, every now and then, another opinion piece which tells me how important it is for me to have a life outside my family and my children. To do something that is just for me. To find a passion and live it.  And I have flirted with upholstery, and millinery. With going to the gym (that didn't last long). With choir and opera.  I have wondered about art courses and Italian courses and refreshing my Russian. I have blogged.  But now I realise that the reason none of those was right is because I was looking for the wrong thing. I don't need a thing to occupy me, I need a person. Or people.  I need friends.


24 comments:

  1. Was it writing that post about BritMums Live! that triggered these thoughts?

    It is a truth rarely acknowledged that friendships once you are married and have children are very different to the type that you have in college or in young free single days. There are exceptions, I'm sure, but mostly, it's just different. Sorry to be a bit of a downer.

    Why can't you and those three lovely ladies make a night out a regular occurrence? Here, they have something called Bunco, which I have yet to understand. But I think it's just that. A group of friends who go out once a week, a month, whatever, without the need to call it a book club.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not specifically, but it's all part of the same thing isn't it? As you say, it's different and I think I'm only just beginning to realise and acknowledge that.

      Not wrong, of course, just different. As someone once said.

      But I'm with you on the regular occurrence, and have suggested it. I like the idea of having a not a book club too.

      Delete
  2. I agree with Iota on how friendships change. I felt living in England that while I had some really great friends, I never really had in a best friend what I had had in previous years. Not that same closeness. Close, but not close enough. Living abroad now, I feel I have something more akin to it, but it is different again. Here we are part of a secret club with a shared cultural background, and have all survived the same horrors and lived to tell the tale. Go forth and drink wine!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah! The best friend thing is another issue of course. My absolutely best best friend ever I had at university with that intenstiy of shared experience you only get when you're 19 and crammed together for eight very intense weeks. And now? Well, now she occasionally reads my blog (hello there!) and we exchange birthday cards... Our lives have just moved apart and actually I'm ok with that.

      Interesting though that you've found it again living abroad. I wonder if it's similar in that shared experience and intensity?

      Delete
  3. Mrs T (not that one)31 January 2012 at 10:21

    I'm bored and fed up with your children too ;-)

    Always here, despite you p"ssing off to Scotland. Though totally agree with your point here. New friends aren't quite the same when you don't see them often enough to have that intensity of experience.

    Much love, see you end of Feb...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My children are perfect, I'll have you know.

      Looking forward to Feb. Must sort that out.

      Delete
    2. Yep, I also agree and the phenomenon is not limited to those who've had kids. Here we have a lot of couple friends, all very lovely and yet somehow that is just not quite the same as a one on one natter with just the right person.

      I would also say though that you are right in that you need some new ones for your life as it is today. Having deep friendships from a previous phase of life is a wonderful thing but we are never all going to be living in the room next door and catching up on a daily basis again. Well not until we are all in an OAPs home dribbling into our cardigans perhaps...

      xxx
      Joss

      Delete
    3. True. But sad. Very sad, actually.

      Of course you could move here...?

      Delete
  4. I totally agree - that whilst the internet etc can give the impression of friends there is nothing quite like sitting down for a good natter over a coffee

    Sometimes you need someone with whom you don't have to watch what you say and that's very liberating

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The internet is a different thing again I feel. I've made some very real friends on here, but what they lack is the real life interaction. As you say, a shared email can be a wonderful thing, but it's not the same as a piece of cake and a cup of coffee amid the chaos.

      And you've absolutely hit the nail on the head with the "watching what you say" comment. I think sometimes I worry too much about what people think of me, and so being with someone with whom you're confident enough just to be who you are is invaluable.

      Delete
  5. For me, friendships have changed as Rory has grown. I had some very supportive pals before he went to school and we did all the coffee morning routines. Once he started primary school I found a whole new set of friends and from that I can say I have kept a small group of very close friends. Which is just as well as the lack of school gate interaction once he began secondary school made finding any extra pals there very limited.
    Having said all that, I think I'm a bit of a home bird. At the moment I just love spending time with hubby and son - to such an extent that I really do need to make an effort to see some females!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is something about the friends you make in the early parenting days isn't there? I suppose it's all about the shared intense experience again.

      Delete
  6. Concur. And always working full time I never even made first post of the mums and tots circle!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, actually, though I was, and remain very fond of my ante-natal buddies, I barely see them any more - it's the really old ones (uni and before) that have stuck around, despite our move...

      Delete
  7. I can really identify with this post. I was thinking the other day how my really, really true friends all live far away. In other parts of the country and abroad. Those are the people I could really chat about anything with. I do have friends I chat with each day on the school run and it's nice to see these people each day. They have been so helpful and supportive while I've been unwell. And it's the same story, everyone's very busy. And we always have our children with us. Twice in the past few days my middle son has interrupted my brief conversations with people in the playground with 'mum I need a poo!' I feel I never get chance to chat to anyone properly. So friendships aren't very strong and conversation is usually quick light-hearted stuff and nothing very meaningful. I'm hoping friendships are easier to forge and maintain when the children are older but that might just be a vague hope which never materialises.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I know - it was interesting having that drink and chat because everyone clearly felt the same: that their *real* friends were the old (and generally distant) ones.

      Do you think that will change? Certainly if I look at my mum, her friends now are all people she has met since having us. Big then she's a different generation and her life has been very different - she married younger and didn't go to university, so perhaps less opportunity to make the friendships I value most - those from when I was just me. Thinking about it, most (of not all£ my really close friends

      Delete
    2. ...have known me longer than B has!

      I rather like that...

      Ps sorry for technical blip in the middle there!

      Delete
  8. I'd love to go to not a book club once a month. It's a great idea, I hope you can. I've felt lonely recently, having moved to a new city. Slowly I'm making friends at the school gate. I think we're all eyeing each other up, wondering if we're going to be proper laugh-till-you-cry/cry-till-you-laugh type friends. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh! The eyeing up thing! It's weird isn't it? And not entirely nice... V good luck. I can totally empathise with the move, but I can also be positive - despite the rather gloomy and self pitying tone of this post I have, as I say, met some really really lovely people here, and that's in not quite two years..,

      Delete
  9. Well, here's a thought. I did have a not a book club. Started off as a book club. Four of us met once a month, and very soon did away with book discussion, and just chatted. I feel very comfortable with them. They are true friends. It was a highlight of the month for me, especially when I was feeling lonely in a strange country. But since last summer, we've only met once. Two of them have had babies since, one of them has just started a PhD which involves commuting to a different city, and I'm busier than I used to be with my MA (though always distractable by an evening out). I miss it, but I've decided not to be the one to MAKE it happen. I've relaxed. If one of the others initiates, then good - it'll be a fun night out. But I'm trying to get better at not holding onto things. Going with the flow more. I think I'm becoming American.

    My point is this. Friendships do come and go. I think we believe deep down that they will last forever. To a point that is true. There's nothing like an evening with an old friend, who you can totally relax with. But I think those special evenings might be because you slip back into the old relationship, without the responsibility of maintaining it in the present. If your best old friend from years ago did move round the corner, how would the friendship fare? We somehow feel that a friendship that is a less intense one is not quite good enough, whereas in fact it's probably perfectly appropriate for the phase of life we're in. We can't be college students forever.

    Still haven't quite got to the point, have I? I think it's this. Make the most of company and friends in the here and now, even if they don't tick the boxes as BFFs or bosom buddies.

    And I'm definitely becoming American.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You'd better move back here quick then...

    Seriously, thank you. As always. Wise words. As always. And ones which I will need to think about and digest before replying properly (and then not on this tiny little screen, with its integral typos).

    ReplyDelete
  11. I can totally relate to this. Relocated less than three years ago and have multiples too. Also have lots of acquaintances etc but not close enough, to enough. I do wonder whether friendships achieve that depth of fondness actually retrospectively in some ways. Like the moving away yet keeping in touch cements a bond that could have easily been broken. Maybe it's just being an adult. I don't know, but it's hard at times and I like that you articulated it so well. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I'm not sure I did articulate it particularly well, so thank you! I suspect you're right, as is Iota, in that a lot of the feeling we have about these "old" friendships, is nostalgia. It's easy to remember things warmly when you don't actually have to live them day to day. As you say, maybe the bond would have been broken had you not moved away.

      Interesting, anyway.

      I wonder who our "close" friends will be in thirty years' time?

      Delete
  12. So get this. Having a whole, uninterrupted conversation with an adult is a luxury. If there's that wholehearted connection that makes them a good friend, it's really wonderful. And if I'm with a really good friend and I don't get that opportunity for an uninterrupted conversation, I feel positively cheated. I came to the conclusion last summer, after a steady stream of guests (all good friends, most with children), that if there are small children in the equation it takes a full 24 hours of having someone around to feel like I have had a conversation with them, even though there may be so much more to say.

    Someone once told me there are 3 sorts of friends: friends for a season, friends for a reason and friends for life. Friends do come and go. It's definitely a huge effort to maintain the friendships with people one hopes are friends for life.

    Incidentally, I think maintaining friendships with the friends who don't have children is a particular challenge. Some are amazingly thoughtful, willing to engage with the small people and patiently wait for the lulls in chaos. Others seem to have had their thoughtfulness driven out by hard-nosed corporate life and are so used to speeding along, putting themselves first that it's kind of hard to meet them half way.

    If there's one thing I've learned from moving around a bit and knowing I will continue to move around, it's that you have to commit 100% to where you are. But I'm absolutely convinced that the extra time and energy put into the lifelong friends will be worth it. As usual it seems that one needs 150% to be able to get by!

    ReplyDelete

I know. I'm sorry. I hate these word recognition, are you a robot, guff things too, but having just got rid of a large number of ungrammatical and poorly spelt adverts for all sorts of things I don't want, and especially don't want on my blog, I'm hoping that this will mean that only lovely people, of the actually a person variety, will comment.

So please do. Comments are great...